A New Year

New Year’s Eve is frequently a time of reflection as we mark the changing of the calendar (new puppies, kittens, and beach scenes sure do bring excitement to people).  This one marked a number of big adjustments and I greeted midnight with a sense of fulfillment, and the day after with a bit of longing.  I didn’t even get that drunk!

 

2012 was an amazing year.  I set 4 New Year’s goals for myself (find a full-time job, get in shape, bake more bread, and publish some form of my children’s book) and accomplished 3.5 (nothing in print, but I’m counting a public reading of the book as partial success, because, well, they’re my goals).  I took ownership of my life by moving out of a bad emotional situation and becoming the person I always believed I was.  I rediscovered passion and found a bit of external reassurance that I’m beautiful (shallow yes, but somehow important all the same).  I’ve put myself out on limbs and stopped numbing myself.  I’ve even gotten to kiss my first new guy(s) in 10 years.

This New Year’s I feel totally calm.  I know the year ahead will only get better.  I trust in myself to keep exploring and making my life what I want it to be.  Bring it on 2013, I’m ready!

***

I can feel happiness.  I remember the sensation of happiness.  What happens to your skin, heart, head when the world makes sense for even the briefest of moments. 

But I miss love.  The piece of your soul held in place by another.  The way that dislodged part of you can become whole again.  Knowing the difference between a kiss and a good kiss, between being in someone’s presence and letting yourself go. 

I want the feeling of someone knowing my body again.  Of wanting someone and being wanted.  This longing buzz runs throughout me almost all the time.  And I think I’m afraid of acting out of desperation, so I hesitate.

How do I let the past go when it will always be the measuring stick for future relationships?  Once upon a time, that which has made me so miserable was my true love.  Do I have to hold onto this until someone else helps me keep that part of myself in place?  Because there’s a separate part of me that really just wants satisfaction.

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