Music has an unbelievable way of transporting us to a particular moment in time. Whether it’s a particular memory or a period in our lives, a series of notes and some choice words can make us feel like we’ve stepped back into our past. Sometimes a song can elicit a smile for an era gone by, other times a flood of emotions from a place we can’t recapture.
Five months ago I came home from work to enjoy one last night in my marriage. I stopped at Wawa to pick up some treats for our Top Chef viewing. It seemed like a nice gesture and it went over well. It was my own way to say goodbye.
Everything has felt like a whirlwind since then. The change, the emotion, the confusion. The last couple of weeks in particular have been hard. The self-assurance has worn away. Maybe it was losing a couple of lacrosse recruits. Perhaps the lull in dating. Could even just be the usual winter gloom. But tonight some sadness crept in. I thought I was just going to enjoy a silly romantic comedy. Jason Segal was in it, how tough a 2-hour window could it be? And then they played “Crazy Love”.
Hard to believe I haven’t heard the song in at least 5 months. Really hard, actually. It’s not like I haven’t heard “Domino” or “Tupelo Honey” in that time. Van Morrison’s pretty popular. Yet there it was.
What a reminder of time gone by. Of wedding dances and secret smiles. Of feeling in love. I realized that’s all starting to fade. I watch these two actors in the movie pretend to be in love and it seems so foreign.
I listen to songs, old and new, and hear stories in them that have always escaped me before. I’d stopped dating people in the past, but this is the first real break up to come my way. The hurt is real and the anger lays waiting. Plus, there’s this hole that needs a connection and that I found myself starting to fill with food again. I cannot go back to heavy and lonely. Will not!
One day, Van might help me relearn. Put into words for me what can be possible between two people. Meanwhile, I need to find myself again. I wait to relocate and don’t end up moving forward. I hope for a clear path, but cannot figure out where the road starts.
I’m spinning again. Treading water and trying not to swallow in gulps. There is no use jumping a sinking ship to give in to drowning. How many times do I need to save myself?